Thursday, August 23, 2007

Helping Our Children Develop a Work Ethic

Helping Our Children Develop A Work Ethic, Part One
Fostering a sense of personal responsibility in our children
By ClubMom Kids & Money Expert Eileen Gallo, Ph.D.


Eileen Gallo, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who works with individuals and families dealing with the psychological and emotional issues related to money, children, and family wealth. An expert on children, families, and money, Dr. Gallo is also a regular columnist for the Journal of Financial Planning. She is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and the Stepfamily Association of America. She has been writing, counseling and lecturing on the psychological and emotional issues of family wealth since 1987 and has served as and educator and presided over committees addressing key family, financial and legal issues.



Kids aren't naturally diligent or naturally lazy. A work ethic is learned behavior, and as a parent you're the one who teaches your kids to acquire it. If you're like most parents, you want your children to work hard and derive meaning and satisfaction from what they do. Unfortunately, you may be sending them another message inadvertently. Though you may insist that your kids do their homework and help around the house, these requirements alone don't guarantee that they will grow up with a sense of accountability and a drive to achieve. As we'll see, financially intelligent parents encourage a work ethic in many different — And in sometimes surprising — ways.

A work ethic's benefits are multi-faceted. Not only does it increase the odds that kids will do well in school and later in their careers, but it fosters a sense of personal responsibility. Kids without a work ethic tend to develop into lazy, unmotivated teenagers and young adults, blaming others for their failures.

Developing a work ethic in your children is a holistic process. It's not as simple as making them pick up their toys before they can play outside or forcing them to get a job at the local fast food restaurant. To help you grasp the diversity of issues involved, answer the following questions based on the ways in which you've raised your children (or based on your beliefs about how you will raise them in the future):

•Do you give them an allowance tied to doing certain chores around the house?

• Do you encourage them to work hard at school but discourage them from getting jobs because they detract from their time to do homework?

• When you give your children a task to do, do they usually take care of it effectively and on time or sloppily and when they feel like it?

• Do you expect nothing less than straight A's and express disappointment at B's?

• If your child works hard in a class but receives a mediocre grade, do you provide him with positive or negative feedback?

• Do you feel it's more important for your child to work during the summer or spend time learning about something he's interested in?

• Do you compliment your kids for a job well done, even if it's something as simple as shoveling snow or raking leaves?

• Are you more likely to complain in front of your kids about work or to express satisfaction about your job and career?

• Would you characterize yourself as lazy and unmotivated when it comes to doing chores; do you often argue with your spouse about this subject?


Just pondering these questions gives you a sense of a work ethic's complexities and variables. Let's start by defining what a work ethic really is. We define a work ethic as the belief that we are personally accountable and responsible for what we accomplish (or fail to accomplish), coupled with the belief that what we are accomplishing is worthwhile.

As a parent, it's important that you model behaviors and have conversations with your children that stress this work ethic. From the time your kids are little, you want to provide them with encouragement and support for their efforts at home, at school and at work. There are positive consequences of instilling a work ethic in your kids — And negative consequences from failing to do so.

Parents who aren't aware of the importance of helping their children develop a work ethic frequently take the easy way out and allow their kids to slide. Specifically, they:

• Permit their kids to get away with not doing their chores because it's too much of a hassle to keep reminding them.

• Avoid talking to their children about their grades when they perform below their abilities in school because they don't want to get into a big fight.

• Find a summer job for their kids rather than allow them to seek work on their own.

To avoid falling into these traps, recognize the dangers of raising an overindulged child. Being overindulged isn't just for the rich. Many middle class parents are either afraid to set rules and enforce them or just aren't paying attention. They are often so focused on their own hectic lives that they don't realize that their child is shirking responsibility or not putting forth a solid effort at school. This can result in a child who is given too much and held accountable for too little. Put another way, kids with a work ethic are developmentally enabled, while overindulged children are developmentally disabled. Let's look at some of the things psychological research has to say about overindulgence:

• Overindulgence produces kids who lack self-assertion, are more dependent, have less concern for others, and are less self-reliant (the more they are overindulged, the more they need to be overindulged). Bredehoft, D.J. et al Perceptions Attributed to Parental Overindulgence during Childhood. 1998, (16).

• Overindulgence is not restricted to giving kids too much. Overindulgence also consists of doing too much for them and having lax rules and no chores. Bredehoft, David et. A. "No Rules, Not Enforcing Rules, No Chores + Lots of Freedom = Overindulgence Too."

• Overindulgence is a more important risk factor than peer pressure in terms of the likelihood that children will abuse alcohol and drugs. Wilmes, David. J., Parenting for Prevention: How to Raise a Child to Say No to Alcohol and Other Drugs, Johnson Institute (Revised Edition), 1995.

A work ethic is preventative medicine for overindulgence. To understand how this ethic serves as a preventative, let's take a brief look at a critical study undertaken by Harvard University beginning in 1939. In what is known as the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the lives of 248 Harvard students and 500 young men from working class neighborhoods in Cambridge were literally put under a microscope. They went through a battery of interviews with a psychiatrist and a social worker. The social worker then traveled throughout the country to meet their parents and secure a complete history of their infant and child development. The study tracked their lives for over 40 years. They filled out questionnaires every two years, provided records of physical exams every five years and were re-interviewed about every fifteen years. Their wives and children were also interviewed. Socioeconomically, the group was diverse. Although a third of the Harvard students came from homes in the upper 10% of both wealth and income, almost half were attending Harvard on scholarship or had to work during the academic year to support themselves. While about a third of the men's fathers were professionals, half of all of the fathers had never graduated from college. More than two-thirds of the working class families in Cambridge had been on welfare at some time. These two studies make up the longest prospective studies of physical and mental health in the world.

The results of the Harvard Study are eye-opening, especially for parents. In a 1981 article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, George Valliant, the director of the Study, reported that the single biggest predictor of adult mental health was "the capacity to work learned in childhood" — In other words, the development of a work ethic. Men who Valliant described as "competent and industrious at age 14" — Men who had developed a work ethic during the Industry Stage of development — were twice as likely to have warm relationships (both family and friendships), five times more likely to have well paying jobs and 16 times less likely to have suffered significant unemployment.

Our experience with thousands of families over the years confirms Valliant's conclusions. Time and again, we've seen the positive impact of a work ethic on children's maturity and success and the negative impact when kids lack this work ethic.

If you need any more motivation to help your child develop a work ethic, consider a 50-year study by sociologist J.S. Clausen. He found that children who learned what he called "planful competence" in early adolescence had more stable, satisfying careers and fewer mid-life crises and divorces as adults. Planful competence means being dependable, having self-confidence and using intellect to solve problems. Kids who exhibit a strong work ethic have these qualities in spades. They learn how to do things right and to think before doing. This helps them avoid the impulsive, thoughtless decisions adolescents are prone to make, and it helps them acquire an area of expertise when they're older.

We don't intend to make a work ethic sound like an exact science. Some kids develop it early and some later. Some may go through a prolonged adolescence of underachievement until a specific event catalyzes their desire for fulfilling work and meaningful success. Some may drift from job to job until they hit upon a field that is their true calling.

As a parent, you can't control these factors. What you can control, though, is how you help your children learn about jobs, school and chores. If they learn to value a work ethic, they will probably use it to achieve success and satisfaction sooner or later.

The question then becomes: How and when do you instill this ethic effectively? To answer this question, let's look at the three areas that provide parents with opportunities to teach kids to be industrious and responsible for their work: Chores, School and Jobs.

In Part Two, we'll look at helping our children develop a work ethic through family chores.

Helping Our Children Develop A Work Ethic, Part Three
The role of schoolwork and extracurricular activities
By ClubMom Kids & Money Expert Eileen Gallo, Ph.D.


Eileen Gallo, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who works with individuals and families dealing with the psychological and emotional issues related to money, children, and family wealth. An expert on children, families, and money, Dr. Gallo is also a regular columnist for the Journal of Financial Planning. She is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and the Stepfamily Association of America. She has been writing, counseling and lecturing on the psychological and emotional issues of family wealth since 1987 and has served as and educator and presided over committees addressing key family, financial and legal issues.


Schoolwork and extracurricular activities are two of the three basic building blocks that help your children develop a work ethic. The other is family chores. When it comes to schoolwork, let's start off with a surprising truth: Pressuring your children to get straight As does not develop a work ethic. It may increase their stress to off-the-chart levels, but it won't help them gain satisfaction from achievement or become self-motivated. Elisabeth Gurthrie and Kathy Matthews, authors of The Trouble With Perfect, note that children need to take chances and possibly fail if they are going to develop a strong sense of self. When parents turn up the pressure on grades, they encourage their children to play it safe in order to achieve a highly ambitious goal. As a result, they're not willing to write a paper on a topic that really turns them on; they'll choose a topic that they think will turn the teacher on. When kids are obsessive about achieving perfect grades, they not only are less willing to take risks, but they're less creative and spontaneous than other children.

Pushing kids too much is a universal problem. An editorial in the Korea Times discusses how graduates of Seoul University burn out from the intense pressure to achieve at school. The editorial writer advises parents not to "force your children to study too much too fast. Let them go at their own pace. Nobody pushed Einstein, and he turned out all right."

While you want to encourage your kids to work hard at school, your focus should be on motivating them to do their best rather than be the best. Consider the following pairs of be-the-best (B) and do-your-best (D) parental advice:

B: I know math isn't your top subject, but if you study an extra hour each night, you can get an A.

D: I know math isn't your top subject, but pay attention in class, ask questions if you don't understand, do all the homework, and you'll be fine.


B: Your're not going to get into one of the elite colleges unless you quit spending all your time playing music and focus exclusively on your school work.

D: You need to find a balance between playing music and doing your homework.


B: We're spending a lot of money sending you to private school, so we expect your grades to demonstrate you're grateful for this opportunity.

D: We hope you'll take advantage of the opportunities to enroll in classes and do the type of projects that are unavailable at public school.


B: It's good that you received a 97 on your fifth grade English test, but with a little more effort, you could have received 100.

D: 97 is a terrific score; tell us what you wrote about


B: To be the top student in Mrs. Jones' class, you need to talk to her, figure out what she's looking for, and give it to her.

D: If Mrs. Jones' expects you to do projects a certain way but you feel strongly that there's a better way to do it, that's O.K. with us but we suggest that you talk to her about your plans.


Beyond distinguishing between these two types of advice in your school-related discussions, you can do a number of other things to facilitate a work ethic. Specifically:

• Communicate through your actions that you believe it's important to make a solid effort at school. It's not just saying that you believe it's important, but taking actions that reinforce what you say. To that end, make sure you create a quiet environment for your child to do his homework-set rules regarding interruptions such as phone calls and online communication. You should also provide your child with resources for doing well at school-dictionaries, encyclopedias, online access for research purposes. Attend school open houses, parent-teacher conferences and your child's school-related activities (sports, plays, music).

• Involve yourself (as opposed to just observing) in her schoolwork. This doesn't mean do the work for her, hover over her while she does homework or correct every mistake on every paper she brings home. It does mean making yourself available when she asks for your help. Assist with drills and help her learn to prioritize assignments. Don't just talk about homework but also ask if graded papers or projects were handed back, what tests and class projects are coming up and so on. Double check with the teachers on a periodic basis to make sure that your child is handing in all homework and what grades have been handed back recently.
Some parents believe that their children don't want them involved in the school process. Don't believe it! Jacquelynne Eccles, a Professor of Psychology at the School of Education of the University of Michigan, has studied programs designed to foster parental involvement in their children's schools. Her research discloses that children want their parents to be involved.

•Initiate conversations about school-related ideas. Too often, parent-child discussions about school revolve around grades. Instead, focus on ideas raised in school. Talk about the subject of an essay your child wrote; or what motivated him to do a particular drawing; or his feeling that he should be allowed to do an assignment his way. Your willingness to listen to him as well as respond with your own ideas will demonstrate that you admire the passion and energy he brings to his schoolwork.

•Encourage them to participate in extracurricular activities that excite them. Some kids aren't particularly excited by their academic classes but exhibit great interest and aptitude in other areas: music, art, computers, sports, ecology clubs and so on. Developing a work ethic around subjects that truly interest and involve kids is important. Certainly, they also need to learn how to work diligently when subjects aren't interesting (such as mundane chores), but extracurricular activities offer an avenue to work hard at and take pride in something they relish. When they do participate, be careful not to dismiss or devalue their efforts. Don't say things like, "I'm glad you enjoy band, but you're probably not going to make your living as a musician, so get your priorities straight." Even if your child doesn't become a musician, his experiences in band will show him how hard work pays off in greater proficiency at an instrument, and he'll take pride in his accomplishments. This is what a work ethic is all about.

Eileen Gallo, Ph.D. and Jon Gallo are the authors of Silver Spoon Kids: How Successful Parents Raise Responsible Children (McGraw-Hill/Contemporary 2001) and The Financially Intelligent Parent: 8 Steps To Raising Successful, Generous, Responsible Children (Penguin USA/New American Library 2005). Their website is www.fiparent.com. Portions of this material have been adapted from The Financially Intelligent Parent.

The Necessity Of An Ordered Prayer Life

The Necessity of an Ordered Prayer Life for Every Catholic Soul




The Ecstasy of St. Teresa by Bernini(St. Teresa's Feast Day is October 15th)


"Prayer…is so useful and necessary that without it we could not come to any good,seeing that by means of prayer we are shown how to perform all our actions well."(St. Francis de Sales, Doctor of the Church)


The Necessity of an Ordered Prayer Life for Every Catholic Soul


[Note: the following *piece was written by a young woman in October 2005 A.D., who prefers to remain anonymous.]


*In this treacherous and Godless world we live in, we may well wonder how it is possible to maintain a prayer life and to seek to live in unity with Christ, while corruption and immorality run rampant in all corners. We see pictures and hear stories of long ago when priests were recognizable in their cassocks, nuns in full habit were aiding souls in hospitals and schools, confession lines were long and satisfied by the presence of good, holy priests thirsting to bring countless souls to God.


It seems now, though, that we are left alone to work out our salvation in fear and trembling. We can search far and wide for spiritual direction, yet scarcely find one priest who still holds the true Faith. Rather, the world is saturated with liberalism and modernism. The only thing that seems to be intolerable in this world is traditional Catholicism. It seems, also, that we are left to books and a sort of “do it yourself” program to developing a prayer life.


Be of good cheer, though, my friends! Did not our precious Lord and Savior Himself promise that He would be with us until the end of the world? Our faith will be tried and tested over and over again, but we must always remember that Our Lord, Jesus Christ is always with us. The more we are able to empty ourselves of the world and its vanities and false securities, the more room we have leave in our souls to be occupied by this Divine Guest. We must equip ourselves, then, for combat. This we are able to do by prayer. As Our Lord bade Peter, James and John in the Garden of Gethsemane, we must watch and pray, lest we become prey to the enemy.


Though prayer can sometimes be difficult and extremely trying, truly nothing is simpler than prayer itself. God, who is all knowing, is well aware of the struggles a soul undergoes in striving towards union with Him. He knows the soul’s disposition, and He knows the frailty of human nature. He does not require that our prayer be perfect and that we never have distractions; rather, it is our will that He asks be turned over to Him, and this is where a true life of prayer begins. “The principal petition which we ought to make to God is that of union of our wills with His, and the final cause of prayer lies in desiring only God. Union with God consists in conforming our will to His.” (St. Francis de Sales)


St. Francis de Sales tells us that there are three things necessary to praying well: to be little by humility, to have great hope, and to be conformed to Jesus Christ crucified. First, in order to pray well, we must acknowledge that we are very poor, and we must humble ourselves greatly, becoming fully aware of our nothingness. David admonishes us that the lower we plunge ourselves into the contemplation of our nothingness, the more easily will our prayer rise up to heaven. (Cf. Ps. 130:1-2, Sir. 35:21)


Hope is also a necessary condition to praying well. Hope is pleasant, since it promises that we shall one day possess what we long for. It is also bitter, because we are not now enjoying what we love. It is necessary, then, that hope be placed upon charity, lest it become no longer hope but, rather, presumption. If we want our prayer to reach heaven, it must be founded upon love.


Finally, in order to pray well, we must conform ourselves to Christ crucified. While hanging from the Cross, our Savior offered His prayers to the Father for us. We must, then, remain at the foot of the Cross and never depart from there, so that we may be saturated with the Blood which flows from it. We should, at the very minimum, be bathed in this Blood at our first prayer in the morning, placing ourselves at the foot of the Cross and offering our every thought, word, and action to our crucified Savior. We must ask Him to aid us in keeping before our minds the awareness of His Passion, and that we carry our Cross each day next to Him, that we may be conformed to His likeness.


St. Frances De Sales Teaches there are Three Types of Prayer:1. Vital Prayer 2. Vocal Prayer 3. Mental Prayer


Having satisfied these necessary conditions, there are three types of prayer which St. Francis de Sales teaches: vital prayer, vocal prayer, and mental prayer. Each and every action performed by those who live in the holy fear of God is a continual prayer. This is called vital prayer. Vital prayer comes simply in the form of performing the daily duties of our state in life for the greater honor and glory of God. He is pleased to accept them all, even our shortcomings and infirmities. We need only offer them up to Him when first we wake in the morning, and then throughout the day. Those who perform the corporal works of mercy such as visiting the sick, giving to the poor, and praying for the conversion of sinners and the souls in purgatory, are praying, and these actions do not go unnoticed by our Heavenly Father.


Vocal prayer is, simply put, speaking to God. We ought to have a daily routine of vocal prayer consisting of, at minimum, morning prayers and evening prayers said kneeling before the Crucifix. Ought we not on bended knee to make Our Lord the object of both our first and our last thoughts of the day? In the morning, we should offer all we are to do and to endure in the day to Him. Likewise, at night, we ought to thank Him for the graces given to us throughout the day, recite the Confiteor for our failings, and ask His refuge and protection through the night.

Each day, as we begin anew in His service, we must remember to ask for the graces never to offend him and to accept whatever crosses may be sent our way. Our Lord’s first thoughts in the stable at Bethlehem were of His love for mankind whom He desired to redeem, and His final thoughts on Calvary were also of His great love for us. His life was a continual offering of Love for us. Should we not offer love for Love?


We can also approach our Lord through mental prayer. Although sometimes difficult and filled with distractions, we are all quite capable of it. Once we have offered our distractions to God and have resolved to persevere through even the worst of distractions, we can be assured that our prayers will be accepted by Him with even more value than if they had come quite easily with no distractions at all!


St. Ignatius of Loyola has provided a great method of meditation that even beginners may successfully implement into their spiritual lives. We need only take a mystery, for example Our Lord’s Agony. Having pictured Our Lord thus, we then consider His virtues such as His total resignation to the will of God, His concern for His Holy Mother and for His Apostles, His gentleness, His humility, His patience, etc. Having considered all of this, it should follow that our sentiments are moved to a desire to imitate Him and to ask our Heavenly Father to conform us to His likeness. This same exercise can be performed with a spiritual book, a holy picture, or any other means which may serve to keep the desired image in our mind.

Mental Prayer


Finally, when we find ourselves unsuccessful in vocal or mental prayer, or the duties of our state in life limit our time for prayer, we can proceed to another type of mental prayer, which is made by way of ejaculations. There is not a person in the world who can be excused from this, as it can be made simultaneously with performing any of our daily duties, regardless of time and place. All we must do is recommend ourselves to God the first thing in the morning, tell Him that we desire never to offend Him, and then go about our daily duties resolved to continuously raise our spirits to God mentally, even amidst others. No one or nothing can prevent us from making these simple aspirations within our hearts, with the exception of ourselves.


Finally, it is important to note that all of this is of little use if we are not trying to live virtuous lives and to avoid the occasions of sin. We must do more than simply pray for those virtues necessary to our salvation. If we are to expect God to provide us with graces we ask and need, we must do our own part. If we have bad companions, we must rid ourselves of them. While it is true that we must love the sinner and hate the sin, St. Teresa of Avila admonishes us that there are few things more dangerous to a soul than bad companions. It is quite presumptuous and tempting God to remain in the company of these companions, thinking that we are strong enough to avoid falling into sin. We must, rather, surround ourselves with virtuous friends and companions. No friends at all are better than sinful ones.


Television and music are great weapons of the enemy, as they are vehicles for the spread of impurity and immorality. Moreover, noise is a great distraction and obstacle to prayer and contemplation. We cannot possibly reach a state of contemplation, nor can we meditate with their noise and distractions. Many will say that they are not tempted by the content from television and radio. How presumptuous this is! It is this very presumption that often causes man to fall. We must keep in mind that Our Lord is with us, and we subject Him to the very things that we watch and listen to! We would do well to rid ourselves completely of these temptations. However, for those who cannot do without them, great caution should be exercised in their use.


We must also continuously struggle against our passions and vices through prayer and mortification. This must not be put off until tomorrow, as we know not the day or the hour when we will be called to judgment. Each day, we must equip ourselves to do combat against ourselves and against the enemy. We must not cease to fight until our pilgrimage in this life is over. Since it is true that the devil preys easily on the passions of those who are idle, we should develop an horarium that will fit with our state in life, and we should hold ourselves accountable for adhering to it as best we can. Remember well that we will be required to make an account for every second of our life when we are called to judgment.

1. Let Nothing Trouble You.
2. Let Nothing Frighten You.
3. All Things Pass Away.
4. God Only Is Immutable.
5. Patience Overcomes All Difficulties.
6. Those Who Possess God Want Nothing.
7. God Alone Suffices.

Seven Momentos of St. Theresa of Avila


Finally, and extremely crucial to the spiritual life, is a strong devotion to the Blessed Mother of God. She is the mediatrix of all graces, a fountain of mercy, and our greatest Advocate before Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Those who have remained close to Our Lady, dating back to the Apostles, have persevered in faith. In the end times, it will be She Who will lead Christ’s army to wage battle against the enemy. We should consecrate ourselves to Her and willingly become Her slaves. She has asked that we recite the Rosary daily and has made great promises to those who do so faithfully. How simple it is to do this very little that She requests! Likewise, there are great promises attached to the five First Saturdays of Our Lady, and this is a great weapon for the spiritual life!


In this treacherous world we live in, the enemy has but one mission and that is the damnation of souls. It seems, when we look around, that there is little hope. However, we need only look at the Crucifix to see that there is great hope for those who love and fear God. We need only to persevere in faith and to carry our Cross next to that of Christ. Our greatest weapon in this battle is prayer. We must never cease to pray, and we must continually place all of our hope and trust in God, that we may one day be united to Him for all eternity.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Catechism and Character Formation

Catechism and Character Formation:

Little ones begin to cultivate a strong work ethic as soon as they are able. It seems that the lower in the birth order they are the sooner they are asking for chores to do. They see the older kids working, and must be able to recognize the good in it, even when the older kids have momentarily forgotten its benefits.

They learn to pray starting at the meal table, thanking God for the food, praying for the poor souls in purgatory, and Our Lady's Rosary after dinner. They are required to eat whatever has been prepared for them, which provides frequent opportunities to mortify their appetites, and fortify the virtue of obedience. Lucky for them mommy's cooking's not too bad.

Through weekly participation at the Traditional Latin Mass, as well as being shielded from any sight of irreverence towards God's house and the Blessed Sacrament, they learn piety, and fear of the Lord--fear of offending such a loving and generous creator. Attendance at the Traditional Latin Mass has also prepared them for the study of Latin in the upper grades. They are taught the prayers of the Rosary, Grace Before Meals, and liturgical hymns in Latin, too.

Their catechism comes primarily from Socratic discussions at the dinner table. But much, too, is learned from The Catholic Child's Treasure Box, Mary Fabean Windeatt's Lives of The Saints Series, The Vision Book Series, Know Your Mass, Leading the Little Ones to Mary, and the Catechism for Children. I've hung an over-the-door apparatus in their bathrooms in which I tuck old issues of Catholic Hearth, and books such as the Catechism in Examples, which is currently out of print. Perhaps Anecdotes and Examples for the Catechism is a good alternative.

In the older years they read all of the Fr. Laux 6 Book Course in Religion, and the books that accompany their history studies round out their overall catechesis. In highschool they study Following Christ in the World, from Seton, and Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis.